The Demons Return...

Had great news re sales news yesterday, 12 works sold in a day, which is an all time record for me...and that includes one man exhibitions over the years...so something must be coming right in pricing and volume...but still woke up at 4am with dark thoughts and nightmares concerning the last few months in the transition from teacher to a being a full time artist...certain people close to me have given me their full support while others, have been negative and sceptical..a pity when I'm working so hard to make this work...
I still am irritated that the smallest action by one situation, a one sided action, turned my life inside out and cost me so much time and stress, has not or will never be resolved...yes, I'm free of a dark situation and away from those who sought to control my life, but fighting a large organisation with hidden agendas has left me very dubious of teaching and the power players at the top of that food chain. Mental scarring I can now fully relate to , much like shell shock suffered by soldiers in conflict, it never goes away, but returns in waves of anxiety and self doubt , when least expected.

Would I ever want to work for someone else again, probably not, as have now realised I need to trust in myself and my own skills to take my career forward , without the meddling of others who hold to ransom one's labour over a salary that we as worker drones simply comply with as we believe we have no other option due to that awful thing called financial obligation....bills and like keep most of us in situations that no matter how bad and often degrading, we simply accept...believing there to be no other option for our lives..

Life is too short to challenge bad management and corrupt systems of employment, it is now in my opinion better to walk away and be the master of one's own fate and destiny...

Sure the smallest unknowns can ruin a life in minutes..but I guess one can never predict the actions of others, when they have planned a negative outcome without your knowledge...I guess I was ambushed and just never saw it coming...life can do this to us, the unexpected and sudden attack on one's security I must confess has been very draining emotionally , and still haunts me , at times like now at 4am in the morning...and that is the outcome of being ambushed and attacked....you are left alone to fight inner thoughts and dark demons....

For me, I have to remain focussed and try to forget the last 10 years as if they never existed, as there are too many demons embedded into my time given to helping others with nothing received....my time given to educating others has been challenging, draining and stressful, something which teaching should never be..

The hours in preparing lessons, marking and trying to 'perform' some magical act to convince others you are doing a great job are over for me...it's a stage show at most and means nothing when the audience has been non-receptive...sitting in the Gallery I watch my new audience look and discuss my art...never a negative comment, never a swear word uttered...the work I produce is appreciated , the time understood, and the labour carries a value....that is never up for debate....what a change after months of haggling over what my life is 'worth' , as a value....in pounds....hmmm, definite food for thought...

Now I just need to get back to sleep....that problem still needs to be resolved...somehow.