Negative Energy keeps me awake...

Woke up early this morning as could not sleep, so it seemed pointless staying in bed staring at the ceiling...I always wonder at the power of thought to redress issues that play upon our inner conciousness. Its thoughts pertaining to the last few months that keep coming back and getting me riled at 1am , 3am etc...

'A moss that gathers nothing, a bird singing a gib and a cold wind from the east....' funny , I wonder if those elements know what it is like to have a life disjointed and turned on its head....the fallout has been costly in terms of balance in my life , and walking down the art route now , constantly reinforces my belief in following a career now that is best for one as an individual, and not just pandering to what pays the most....also being free from the sheep syndrome of having to follow directives by default, because of being employed and following the party line creates less 'conflict'....nothing worse in life to have to work under the yoke of poor management that thinks 'its' power is absolute....power corrupts, absolute power corrupts completely.Seen it, been there, witnessed it first hand...

Can say one thing for certain, being free of elements that seek to repress or control, has been a blessing pover the last few months, it has allowed me to focus on what I want to do, what I want to avoid and how I wish to spend my life doing what I want to do and knot pandering to some else's ego...met too many of those over the last few years...art has been a great levelling tool of late...its allowed me just time to focus and think what I want from life and a career...I have moved away from the idea of simply joining a line of sheep and turning me life into a series of repetitive cycles just doing the same thing, over and over again...also tired of being judged ...as some sort of mark of ability....especially by those who just play the power game...

Being free from that now makes me realise how negative a process is employed and how subjective observations are...if you are a marked for extermination, the powers that be will make it near impossible to pass those so called tests of ones ability to do a dance....you can dance the jig of a life time, but if the
audience is disinterested, your efforts will go in vain...and the judge will castigate you...for their lack of involvement....something not right in that outcome...

We watch a film, and are there because we are interested in the story line , the genre etc, but its a choice nevertheless, yet in a classroom one is expected to find a totally engaged audience in what essentially is a show, attended without free will ...so of course there will be a level of disengagement..how can an individual be judged on others engagement to a topic? Something not right in that....I suppose education is moving down a very treacherous road with systems employed internally that are so subjective as to make the outcomes geared to favouritism and nepotism ......and certainly swing in favour of the latter...especially if you are in the circle.....artists by their nature on generally not in the circle, because they question....and one should never question in a system that is power absolute...however power absolute is not permanent... it allows sheep mentality to prevail , for a while, but then like Libya, the sheep get restless eventually...and the rest becomes is history...Gadaffi was power absolute, but we know today how redress was eventually achieved...and balance restored .

Time is a great healer they say, but I know that negative events that litter my life come back periodically to haunt my inner self and play upon my mind, normally twisting my thought pattern , just like it is happening all over again, making the past somehow feel its here and now...but in fact its old unresolved issues that return to dance and prod me..almost mocking...I hate those flashbacks...they create too much negativity in my mind..I think today I will walk on the beach, paint like there is no tomorrow and try and bury that jester that is keeping me from my sleep...rambling over and back to reality.....got to try shake the demons...some work from yesterday...